Dear professional church staff dude… An open letter from your “target demographic”

Dear church worker dude or dudette.
Hey it’s me.
Your “target demographic”.
36 year old married father of 2.
28 year old single female yuppie.
22 year old WW2 look alike hipster
Whoever you deem “target. It’s me
I know you work hard at getting me to come to your church services.
You study me, what I like to do, listen to, and watch.
You then try and incorporate all of that into that 1 hour on Sunday you are trying to get me to come to.
Here’s a few things I thought you might wanna know.

1. If I come to your Sunday morning thing, you don’t have to pretend it’s something it’s not.
I’ll be ok. I know I’m going to church so you don’t have to protect me and dress it up like it’s not church.
I know I’ll be freaked out by some things, but I’d rather be freaked out by that Jesus guy then a really bad version of Katy Perry’s ROAR.
If you’re gonna do that, make sure the chick singing it sounds like she is roaring and not a meowing.

2. The singing thing is REALLY weird.
I mean look. I think I get it. You are singing to God? But He’s invisible? But you keep pointing to the ceiling? Is He in the ceiling? Or is He in “my heart”?
OMG. I’m so confused by that whole shebang.
I get the sermon part.
I think I just need the singer dude or chick to talk a little bit more about what’s going on instead of just singing real pretty.
Cause I’m pretty sure a few more minutes of explaining what’s going on may help me out a little bit.
I think you guys call that worship “leading” right?
Cool. Thanks.

3. The whole flash my kids number on the giant jumbotron and then make me get up in front of the entire church to get my crying kid in the nursery idea?
It’s a bad one.
Text me. Buzz me. ┬áSomething else besides embarrass me. I’ll be more likely to slip out.

4. Those small group things.
It was scary enough walking into this room full of 500 people, now you wanna make me walk into a room with 12?!
Yea. Not gonna happen.
Not UNLESS you stop calling them small groups and maybe just call them Dinner and Beer With New Friends.
Now THOSE I would go to.
I think I also get the point of those.
But you gotta work on the marketing of those guys.
Maybe call them These Will Make You Awesome Groups.
See? Already better than Small Groups.

5. Oh. I forgot to tell you. I’m gay.
Can you please not hide where you stand on this cause I’d rather we both stand on opposite sides of this conversation than you stand on nothing at all.

K thanks.
Love,
The guy or girl you are trying to reach.