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So Sunday night I sat in the west bleachers with my powerbook in my lap while Matt preached.  It had been an amazing 2 and a half services.  But as he spoke I typed.  All of this before we had the mini revival and freedom experience from the last post.  This is what I typed as I stared at the faces of my family…

"Matt taught on Worship today.  I always feel wierd on days like this.  Why?  Because "I" have all these expectations of my church and where they should be in their worship.  Some days I "feel" we have gone where we needed to go.  Some days I go home defeated because I "felt" alone in the midst of my family.
Oh the mind of a Worship Pastor
So I have to protect days like today from becoming fabricated.  And that is why I feel wierd.  Of’course when Pastor Matt stands up in front of all the church and calls them a "golf clapping" church what do you think is going to happen?  Yea.  The second worship set is a PARTY.  It was a blast.  Every service.  But my sinful defeated mind wonders how real it was?  In 3 weeks when things get back to normal how frustrated will I be?
Oh the mind of a Worship Pastor.
The world should be envious of the joy that we have.  But sometimes I finish a set and feel like most of the men on the church spend half an hour mad dogging God.  Arms crossed.  Bills of the hats down.  No smile.  But the ladies?  They go.  Yea.  And God has called Men to lead?  Some days I wonder.
Oh the mind of a Worship Pastor.
Here’s what sucks.  Me.  I suck.  I’m a sinner saved by Grace.  But my mind still reaks of doubt.  So when God gives us and Himself a gift like he did today why do I wonder?  Why do I not celebrate the step we have taken towards a real relationship with Him?  Why do I not realize that not everyone is at a place where they see celebration as a necesity?
Oh the mid of a Worship Pastor.
I love my church.  I am blessed to do what I do.  I just hope tonight God Shows Up.
Los"

Ummm.  No Lie. 
Thanks Lord.
Los