I ALWAYS feel weak when crisis hits. When it hits the fan, I panic. I scream. I kick. I cry. I cuss. I wallow in self pity. I get angry with God. I want 5 Coronas. And when the trial begins to pass, I look back at my reaction and feel weak. Why? Because the church has taught me that when I crumble within this fragile mind of mine, I am not close enough to God. When I get angry and want to beat on the very chest of my Creator, I am wrong. When death surrounds me, I should give thanks and glorify God.
But I don’t want to. If I wake up tomorrow and my pops has kicked the can, excuse me, but I won’t even try to pull off a Oswald Sanders, Spiritual Leadership moment. And It’s OK. I feel pretty close with my Creator at this moment. But I will be a mess. And it’s OK. I will sprint towards the core of God with revenge in my soul. And it’s OK. I will be pissed at Him. And it’s O.K.
John Piper has recently battled cancer and wrote a letter in the face of his trail. And I quote…
This news has, of course, been good for me. The most dangerous thing in the world is the sin of self-reliance and the stupor of worldliness. The news of cancer has a wonderfully blasting effect on both. I thank God for that. The times with Christ in these days have been unusually sweet.
I read that and many of the comments surrounding it and felt the lie of self doubt creep over me. I could never write that. Once again Piper showed me that I have a LONG way to go. But tonight. I recant my minds statement. I rest in the chaos of my mind. Because it was Christ himself, who questioned His own suffering on the cross.
Find freedom in your suffering.