253467799 7B5571986AWe’re looking for a church. Here’s what I want:
First, I want to be attracted by a glossy mailer.

From there, I want to be welcomed, gently, at an Enjoy Level Event, targeted at my kids, where I’m given a non-threatening introduction to the grassy area precariously close to the church’s building. I want to then be made aware of the church’s Sunday Event.

At that Event, I want to be met, where I live, emotionally-speaking, by the Worship Ministry. I want to be engaged by music that speaks to my generation, and an array of video images that assure me that faith is relevant in today’s culture — my culture. I want a guy to teach me the Seven Ways I Should Be Doing Something-or-Other in My Marriage. I don’t want eight ways. I want Seven.

I do NOT want, at that point, for the Small Groups Ministry Team to step in, and make me aware of Small Groups that I can be involved in. No — that should wait, until I sign up for an Introductory Class that explains the overall vision.

I want this vision expressed in a flow chart. I want to know how I can move through this flow chart, and move from Crowd Level, to Committed Level, and then, ultimately, to Core Level.

I want to find out how I can fit into the leader’s overall vision, and become a cog in the dream that he was given for this very dynamic, growing area. I want to be shown a chart with a crowd of stick figures at the bottom, and I want to yearn to be one of those stick figures.

It’s at this point — yes, now — I want to be placed in a contrived Small Group of people I’ve never really known before. I then wish to have administered to me a battery of Spiritual Gifts tests. I want these tests evaluated by an outside firm. When these tests reveal that I am gifted for leadership and preaching, I want to then be assigned to nursery duty every third Sunday of the month.

It’s precisely then that I hope to submit to criminal background checks, and have my social security number run through databases of various local authorities. If they clear, I will be at the Committed Level.

I want my ear tagged, and my tail docked. I want to be inoculated by a visiting veterinarian every six weeks, and my mouth periodically checked for infection. I want a steady diet of #2 corn meal, enriched with fattening agents.

I want nobody to get hurt. I want to be unknown.
(Essay from Kamp Krusty)

As one of the commenters mentioned in his post…”Ouch. It hurts to be assimilated sometimes”
Always good to look at why we do what we do right?