Loslos-1

This is my favorite part of the day. Or night if you will. See I am a night rider. My mind spins en la noche like my ’79 Huffy.
I blog. I TIVO. I write. I sing. I Playstation. I Jiggle Test. I Sports Center. I am.
This comes to me because I am alone in my world. Chores are done. Boots are knocked. Bills are paid. Oowees are kissed. Stories are read. The not a penises are sleeping. I am KING of my world. Again. Tonight. King. I would bow to myself if I could.

But something strange is happening. No longer does my blogging, TIVOing, writing, singing, Playstationing, Jiggle Testing, or Sports Centering, hold my attention. There is something else that I wait for. Something else that is capturing my nights.
I sit on the sofa staring across the room at the small white walkie talkie looking box. I hope with every sound. I mute the TV every 5 minutes and close my eyes hoping for a cry. Nothing. So I wait. Then it comes. Slowly but surely. It comes.

I rise faster than a chia on crack. I have a routine now.

Walk. Sink. On. Water. Warm. Cabinet. Bottle. Blue. No. Green. Yea. Top? Where? Top. Blue. Sure. Sink. Fill. Pantry. Can. Scoop. One…Two…Three. Crying. Louder. Heart. Faster. Spill. Cuss. Shake. Shake. Shake. Bottle. Shook. Run. Crying. LOUDER. Girls. Tossing. Run. Losiah. Up. Cry. Plug. Mouth. Battle. SHHHHHHH. SHHHHHH. DRINKING. Drinking. drinking. Rocking. Rocking. Staring. staring. rocking. staring. Smiling. staring. Smiling.

And then I am there.

I am in the place that I dread and love more than any part of my day. I am holding a son that I do not deserve as he clutches my bottom lip with his right hand. I wait for his grip to slowly fade as I rock him into Enfamil heaven. I am astonished at God’s favor every night at this point. Sometimes it is midnight. Sometimes 2 AM. But I take this shift. I let the wife sleep. Not to be all Super Dad and crap. No. I do it because I only have a few months until he’s done with this, and this is the best feeling I have all day. Stopping the chaos that I allow into my dome day and night to stare into a face that I do not have, yet has all of me.

Los