[Photo:Daley Hake]

There is this book. It is called, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. I read that bad boy cover to cover when Heather was prego with Sohaila. The cover states this…

The pregnancy guide that reassuringly answers the concerns of mothers- and fathers-to-be, from the planning stage through postpartum.

The cover image shows a young pregnant woman. Probably around 27ish. She is sitting in a rocking chair next to a pot of flowers reading a book. I assume this book. She is surrounded with all the soft focus pastels you could ask for. A nice soothing book cover. Looks like a book that both my great grandmother and wife could read and enjoy. But there was something wrong with the cover. Something that I could not relate to as a clueless father. For the longest time I could not put my finger on it. Then I found it.

This was not an image of a mother who was expecting her first child. No. She was pissed. I realized that she was not even reading the book. She is staring off into the east with eyes screaming…”Why the hell did I do this again?” These were not the eyes of a first time mother. These were the eyes of a mother who just put her 13 month old to bed and who’s bun in the oven is pressing hard against her left ribcage. Her husband is probably in the living room playing Madden online with some 12 year old and the kitchen is a mess. If you look close enough you can see that there are actually no words written on the pages of that book in her hands. She is holding a book full of nothing. Which is a pretty accurate description of the book whose cover she is rocking on. Because by the time the second kid squirts out, the mother and father know the truth.
That this book is a con. There is NOTHING you can expect while you are expecting. Except to expect the unexpected.

I cannot find the chapter on how to hold your kids lips open while you try to get him or her to latch on the the nipple without ripping off your wife’s lady humps. I cannot find the chapter on what to do in the middle of the night when your wife wakes up screaming #$#$!@!#$ because her entire calf has turned to stone. I cannot find the chapter on what the #!@$ to do for those 6 weeks I had to join the Blue Man Crew. I cannot find the chapter on what to do when you go to give your newborn a kiss and end up with 25 minute old breast milk in your mouth.

You know why? Because they are not in there. So when you go to the bookstore to pick up your copy of this great prego bible, just look into the eyes of the woman in the rocker.
She is telling you all you need to know about the next 18 months of your life…


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