so

There are feelings you will never experience until you have a child.
What a bunch of crap.
How can you, old married fat dude, tell me, hip cool wannabe-sexually active virgin, that kids create some sort of deeper level of who I am?

I know. I know. All you singlets out there click off when you start reading this crap.
Oh no. Another father post.
Yea.
But I felt something tonight I have never, ever felt.
I still don’t know what it is called.
It was confusion mixed with pain, mixed with fear, mixed with love.

Sohaila has been suffering with eczema for years.
She has had it so bad that her beautiful arms are splotched with large white patches of discoloration.
When it is bad her arms are almost reptile like.
She NEVER says anything about it.
She NEVER says anything about it.
She NEVER says anything about it.
She knows she needs to put her lotion on and does not complain when it is itching her like a wild fire.
She wears bathing suits and sleeveless shirts with her friends and never even bats an eye to the splotches on her arms.
She likes it when I scratch her arms at night as she goes to sleep.
She is a confident, proud, little girl and hears her daddy tell her 45 times a day that every other daddy in the world is jealous of me because they can’t call her theirs.
She always blushes, bats her eyelashes at me, then tells me she loves me.

Well she got this funk the other day.
Impetigo.
It gave her some rash under her bottom lip.
The doctor treating her saw her eczema as well and gave us the typical ointment with steroids that we never put on her because we are trying to find a treatment that does not have steroids in it.
For the sake of the cause, we went ahead and put the ointment on her arms.
The impetigo is already going away with the antibiotics.

She never says anything about her skin.
But tonight,
When Heather was putting her to bed,
After 3 days of the cream on her arm,
Without any prompting,
She looked at Heather and said…
“Look mommy!!! It’s working! It’s working!”
Her arms were smooth and my eyes were wet.
When I heard her I knew.
I knew no amount of love I pour over her has been able to offset the fact that she lives with this everyday and at the sight of healing, she couldn’t help but shout out.
I’m crying as I type this because I had no idea.
No idea.
How strong she is.
Strong enough to never complain.
Strong enough to show her arms to the world.
All the while praying inside that her arms would look normal.

Heather responded with…”Yea baby. It is working.”
Sohaila just smiled…
grabbed her piggy…
and went to sleep.

So yea.
I am proud, sad, in love, and sorry.
All those things mixed together.
For a 6 year old.
Who has the soul of a giant.
But the heart of a little girl.

You have no idea.
I didn’t,
Until tonight.
Los