7 Years Ago. Before the book. Before the records.
It haunts me. It haunts me every single time I walk on stage. And I have walked onto A LOT of stages since then.
Standing in front of the people I love, singing Salvation by Charlie Hall, when for no reason whatsoever my heart begins to FLY AND RACE OUT OF CONTROL, my head begins to spin, I black out.
Next thing I hear…”Is there a doctor in the building? Something has happened to our worship pastor Carlos and we need a doctor.”
That was the beginning of my haunting.
It wasn’t a heart attack.
It was a full blown anxiety attack.
While doing the one thing I felt called to do.
But the haunting is only that. A haunting.
Because through God’s power, prayer, and Paxil, I press on.
Insert boo here. Go ahead. Click it.
Trust God more.
Pray that demon out.
You don’t need a drug. You need Jesus.
So I even stick that bad boy white little pill on my tattoo that says pray in Korean and see if it will knock it out in one shot.
Crap. That didn’t work.
I’ve heard them all. And you know what, I actually agree.
But along with Jesus, I need the intelligence of the scientists that he created to create this drug I take called Paxil.
I allows the chemicals in my brain that are out of whack to straighten out.
And that is OK.
It is also OK for your mom to take the diabetes meds to help her control her diabetes.
It is also OK for your pastor to take his heart meds because it helps keep his heart beating.
It’s OK for them to pray everyday that if God chooses to take these illnesses from them, that they would.
As do I.
Yet for some reason, He has not.
And that is OK.
You see I honestly believe that Anxiety and Depression are one of the churches dirty little secrets.
I was at a pastors conference where they took an anonymous poll. 80% of the pastors were on anxiety and depression meds and only 15% said anyone outside of their family knew.
No one will ask for prayer and admit to taking something that helps that seratonin smooth out.
Because people will think they are crazy and tell them to trust God more.
We are crazy.
Because of God’s healing I have been able to lead worship in front of a crowd of 90,000 last summer and 9 last Wednesday.
And I believe part of His healing has been through the medicine He has provided.
So pastors, ministers, church workers, church staff, church high level volunteers…
Stop hiding this ailment so the people in your church know that they are not alone in this.
They don’t deserve to walk it alone when you are walking it right next to them.
God can heal me of my heart palpitations and anxiety symptoms.
One day He will.
But until that day….
I’ll make sure everyone I know, knows that God can use a man with anxiety and bouts of depression to lead His church and disturb and disrupt them so that they see Christ’s face fresh again.
It’s better that way even with 20 milligrams a day…