It’s not that I don’t believe God. It’s just that I don’t believe Him.
The fact that I believe there is a Him to not believe constitutes me believing in Him.
But then when I feel fear creeping up my spine because I fear I am not in control, yet some mystical floating God somewhere is, I panic.
Because I don’t really believe that right?
But I do because I have seen him work.
Just not when I want Him to.
So I stand on this ledge.
A dangerous, scary ledge of my own flawed expectations.
And I get to take part in a battle that the ants and grasshoppers will never experience.
The chance to trust that my flawed, beat up mind and body, is someday going to be new with Him beside me and spend eternity in the Kingdom of God.
Or the chance to search WebMD till my fingers bleed and I either have leukemia or allergies.
It really is a bitch.
It is a painful, yet exhilarating choice.
To choose something I don’t trust fully enough to believe yet believe with all my heart.
That makes no sense.
I know.
Hence the problem with my limited mind.
All the while, He looks at me and smiles as He holds my finite heart and mind up to His infinite love.
Thank You God for taking the mess of my mind and not giving a crap about my confusion and simply letting me enjoy this sanctification.
It’s better that way.